My first post is going to be introductory to my psychological issues that have bothered me for the last 4 years. The reason I created this blog is to help myself with my depressing thoughts, first and foremost. I have realized the way I am thinking has started to harm me and I can’t find the way out. I can’t and don’t want to talk about my issues to others because I don’t want to display myself as fragile and needy.
I live in a society that does not quite tolerate weak and miserable people because the nation itself is miserable and we don’t want to deal with other people’s problems. That’s why I never ask for help from my friends or even my parents. Whenever I have discussed some serious topics with my friends, the conversations always turn into jokes and we end up throwing random empty platitudes that have no meaning and lead to nowhere. And I keep smiling and pretending as if everything is alright and that these platitudes have been helpful.
I would describe myself as a lone person who enjoys being alone most of the time. From time to time I do crave some company with my friends but I’ve noticed that we have nothing to talk about… at least I have nothing useful to say and we end up in an awkward silence or they talk about their life, problems and whats on their minds.
I have tried to start a conversation about my problems but normally I’d be responded something along the lines “…you’re smart, you’ll find the way out. You’ve traveled a lot and seen the world, you speak many languages…”. So how is this response supposed to be helpful?
I know why they always say it, because they can’t be bothered with others’ problems. They don’t like whiny people, yet they also complain and I’ve always tried to offer them some solutions, but they never acknowledged my micro-help.
I also can’t talk about my psychological issues to my mother because she is always criticizing me. She doesn’t see any problems in my concerns, she thinks I am over-exaggerating. What problems could I possibly have? I don’t have any drinking issues, I don’t smoke, I don’t do drugs, I’m polite, nice, polite and pretty. What could possibly be wrong with me? If I would mention to her that I don’t like studying or I don’t like particular job she would start yelling at me, judge me and start lecturing me. Because of her negative reactions I never share my deepest thoughts with her and hide many things from her. One day I’ll end up writing a book called “Life full of lies” because this how my life is right now.
I’m not an independent person and probably never will be because I’m stuck with my mother for life as I’m stuck with my thoughts. She is a divorced woman and after my father she never met anyone serious and meaningful….partly because of me. But I will write about this in the future. Since she is alone, I’m alone too and single as well. I’ve tried moving out from home but she didn’t let me go. She would say that we are both alone and we have no reason to live separately, besides we would have less spending and we could save money for a new apartment.
If I wanted to move out, it would be only possible if I moved abroad but not in my hometown. Yet again, here comes another problem why I can’t move abroad. She still thinks that I am studying in the university, although I’m not and haven’t told her because I know how important is a degree for her. Also, I don’t have enough money to move abroad and I can’t find a job abroad. I’ve tried to apply for hostel jobs in the summer but nobody replied to my applications. Now the summer is over and I am supposed to “graduate university” in June 2019…and this is where I’m lost and can’t find my way out.
From here I get lots of terrible ideas how to end this fiasco. I’ve been mostly thinking about suicide, hoping that some accident would happen to me so that I wouldn’t have to commit it myself. Thought of simply packing my luggage and just go somewhere, however, I don’t want to hurt my mother both mentally and physically.
I feel empty and pointless inside, I have no feelings except anger and sadness. I don’t see any point in my life. I have failed awfully and let my mother down, although, she still believes that I will graduate and get a good job.
As I am writing this post I feel how my thoughts want to explode in my brain because my head can’t handle them any longer. There are so many things that I want to say but I need to collect my thoughts and organize them.
I will finish my first post here.
If anybody happens to read it, I apologize if this post is disorganized. I am learning to express my thoughts by writing.