I’ve been absent for almost 2 weeks and my excuse was that I didn’t feel well, as usually.
Again, I was struggling with my emotions and all sorts of thoughts in my head. Most of the thoughts are about me not being good enough for the society. I struggle so much to survive in this life. It feels as if life is about competing other people – you have to be the best version of yourself nowadays, it’s a sin to be a loser and/or failure, you have to meet your parents’/families’ expectation etc.
I have accepted the fact that yes, I’m a complete loser and let down for my parent. I only try to be perfect for that one parent who demands so much from me. I’m talking about my mother. I wish I could sit down with her and have a normal conversation without worrying about her getting upset and absolutely furious with me. (Damn it, I even struggle writing everything down on here, as I’m so afraid of getting judged whoever reads it.)
Being judged is my biggest fear. I understand that judgments can be both positive and negative, and that they can be useful as they are a form of a feedback to learn from your mistakes and get better at something. I guess I could handle a written judgment than a verbal one. I don’t like being criticized verbally and seeing someone’s facial expression at the same time. I’ve been criticized a lot by my friends and because of my intolerance towards verbal criticism I’ve lost all my friends. I have no friends anymore. Most of the time I’m alone or with my mother…
I don’t mind being alone, however, sometimes (maybe once in a month) I wish I could meet and talk to someone else besides my mother. Even if I met someone else, I still wouldn’t say what bothers me. Because as I’ve said previously, nobody cares here about others’ problems.
I’m completely lost and dead inside. I only have this existing body which is hollow.
Thank you for your time and reading this mess…