Continuing to find a purpose of life

Today I’m continuing the story of searching for the purpose of my life.

Last time I ended my post by the time I got into university and had to choose between biology and German language & culture. I chose German, although, I kind of regretted that I didn’t choose biology. However, I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle it, as it’s a difficult subject. (By the way, you’ll start noticing that I have a very low self-esteem, and yes I have. I’ll discuss about it in the near future.)

September has arrived and I started studying at the university, meanwhile I was also working. In my case working and studying don’t work together well, because unfortunately I tend to prioritize money and not investing time into studies.
Long story short, I also quit this university because there were many classes that were too difficult for me, I also didn’t pass some of the exams, I didn’t attend some of the classes because on some days we were supposed to give a presentation in front of the class, and I obviously can’t stand talking in front of the class and later being judged by a professor. That fear of performing in front of a class goes way back to the secondary school when I would have got picked on and laughed at while talking about something in front of the class. Since then I don’t really enjoy talking to people in person. Also, I never answer phone calls by the unknown numbers. Even in my CV application I’ve asked to contact me via e-mail and I’m more than sure that I haven’t got some jobs due to this request.

After I quit my second university, I had to find another way to survive and move on. I decided to work as an au-pair abroad. I found a family and moved abroad. I could say it was the best period of my life. I was sincerely happy to be abroad, I was very lucky with the family – they were reasonable, kind, helpful, didn’t take somehow advantage of me, as you’ve had heard some stories.
The host father was a manager of a big company and they always needed multilingual people. Since I speak fluently important languages like English, Russian and German, he would have found a job for me there in the company. Another thing about me is that whenever somebody is offering me help, I never accept it because I don’t want to look needy, dependent and vulnerable. So I said to him, that it would be nice but I think I want to start studying again… (oh how stupid and naive I was, again). I visited my host family this summer, obviously they asked how I was doing. I just lied that I’m doing fine, work in the hospital laboratory because I didn’t want to show them that I’m a complete loser. Host father mentioned if I ever wanted to live in their country he can help me. But damn it, I have that stupid pride that won’t accept the help.

In 7 months I returned back to my home country (Estonia), found a job in a hostel and also applied for a biomedical science course. As you can guess, I failed again. This time I got dropped off from the college due to not passing an exam in biochemistry three times.
Of course I didn’t tell to my mother about it. She kept thinking that I was studying because sometimes I would pretend as if I am going to the university and instead I was going either for a longer walk, to the library or went to work. (She still thinks that I’m studying, but I’m not and I’m not planning to tell her about it, because I know her reaction…furious as hell, might kick me out from home and I would have nowhere to go…)

Anyway, after being dropped off from medical college I applied twice into other colleges. My fourth college was IT college which was very specific about coding and programming etc. I did read the description of the course and it seemed interesting and not too hard, until I realized that this course was for the advanced programmers. I had no clue about programming, I tried following online tutorials, read college materials but my head simply couldn’t take this alien information. Now, you can guess what I did next….I quit AGAIN. Although, I must admit that I am interested in coding and programming, especially in web design and I secretly wish to meet a patient and professional/amateur programmer, who wouldn’t mind to teach me…yet again, I’m too scared of meeting people and don’t want to look like an idiot because I haven’t achieved anything. I am aware that there are so many free online tutorials, but the problem is the amount of information. I don’t know where to start, if there’s a point for me to study it by myself, how much time will it take to learn it, I also need to work and earn money.

Meanwhile, I had a new job. This time I didn’t want to work around people, I wanted to do something where I don’t have to talk to the customers. I was working as a housekeeper in a five star hotel. I must admit, I enjoyed it so much. First of all, it was a small cozy hotel, I loved organizing rooms, the job was active (I don’t like sitting 8 hours in the office –  I fall asleep behind the computer, I’m always cold and hungry, time goes by slowly, it’s just a torture to me, yet office jobs are better paid than cleaning jobs). I liked that I was cleaning rooms by myself, nobody was bothering me until I got into a conflict with a colleague who randomly got upset when I finished my work earlier and also left earlier because my supervisor allowed me, she was often mad that I would get weekends off, although I didn’t ask for any specific days off. She also started to comment on the way I was cleaning or if I did something wrong in her opinion, she would raise her voice and lecture me how to clean. I told about this verbal abuse to my supervisor but she didn’t do much except talked to the colleague, but the colleague kept harassing me. On next day I simply didn’t go to work because supervisor didn’t solve this issue and I couldn’t stand that annoying person any longer.

Now, I’ll go back to my studies journey. My final college was economical, I decided to study accountancy because my mother is accountant and pretty much our whole nation is full of accountants. I thought, how hard could that be. Well it was damn hard, again my brain couldn’t take this specific subject, I’m just terrible with sciences. I guess all I’m good at is cleaning…although there are very nasty and miserable people in this field.

This year I decided that I won’t apply to the universities anymore. I’m done with studying. I’m not against studying, but it’s just not meant for some people. Unfortunately, my mother is obsessed with me getting a bachelor and masters degree. She simply won’t understand that I don’t want and don’t like to study in the university.

By the way, when I was working as a housekeeper, I told my mother that I worked in the hotel as a receptionist…because again, I know that she’s against these kind of jobs.

And now here I am stuck with my demanding hopeful mother, who will be let down and disappointed with me soon. I’m thinking what to do next, looking for a job because I’m unemployed at the moment…and kind of depend financially on my mother. I have a huge stress because of everything I’ve done so far. I think how could I end all this. Very often I find myself thinking of suicide – how could I do it without too much pain, because if I ended my life nobody would care anyway. It so hard for me to pretend in front of my mother as if everything is alright. Couple of years ago when I returned from Germany I had a similar depression and also had slight suicidal thoughts. I mentioned it to her, she immediately told me to drop these thoughts, how is this possible that I could think of something like that because my life is absolutely fine. Is it though? She has been controlling me my entire life because I’m the only child. I’ve tried to move out and rent a room or an apartment, but she didn’t let me leave. She said that there’s no point for us to live separately because there would be too many spending (she’s accountant and counts every single cent), also she has mentioned that she’s single and so am I, why would we live together. But living together is a nightmare, we fight often, she calls me constantly to check where I am and what am I doing. She used to have problems with me going out in the weekends with my friends, now the issue is that I don’t party anymore in the weekends. Additionally, she keeps asking me these stupid questions when will I meet someone because I’m 25. It seems as if I’m not 25 but 35 instead and I have to get married and have babies instantly. How the hell am I supposed to get all that when I live with a dictator… I don’t know how to get away from her. I don’t want to hurt her because I don’t want her to get a heart attack or something else physically harmful.

That’s why suicide seems to be the only solution for me, although that would also hurt her.

Thank you for your time and attention, I appreciate your visit on my blog.

Also, I must apologize for my English. I’m sure my posts have grammar mistakes, hopefully they are readable though.

See you next time!

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